Cops


Cops are in heat. Cops are coming down from the mountain tops. We discovered parking tickets on our car hoods one morning -- evidence they've passed through town. Maybe they're still nearby. The neighbors say they've seen their badges flicker in the moonlight in the woods at the end of the street. Old Jack took me into his cellar and showed me a pair of handcuffs he swiped off an injured Cop back in the 80's. Back when guys would trap Cops and extract their scent from their glands and rub the noxious discharge on their cars. The idea being that they release a different scent when they're afraid and so if you spread the spray from when they're trapped the other Cops would get a whiff of it and stay away. Of course, we now know Cops have a poor sense of smell.

I found a Cop egg the other day. I brought it in for Lainie to look at. I told her wouldn't it be kick to hatch the thing, raise it as a Human. Or maybe train it as a kind of spy, send it off to Cop country and have it come back with intel. Let us know what the blue bastards are planning. Lainie smiled in that nervous way, because she knew I was joking but not unserious. Then she took the bowling-ball sized egg, soft and sticky like a wad of dough and told me it wasn't fertilized. Her father had been one of the town's best Cop-sniffers, and she'd inherited a lot of his wisdom. 

That night I dreamed of the egg dissolving, leaving a tiny Cop in a puddle of pink juice. I dreamed that the tiny Cop opened his mirror-shade eyes and held an adorable little baton. The Cop took his cautious first steps and then looked around our living room, which was covered in pictures of Lainie gasping in horror. In the dream we were asleep, and the small Officer found us and used his radio to alert his Brothers. Our home was quickly descended upon by thousands of Cops of all types, some as small as fingers, others giant and winged like dragons. 

When I awoke in the morning I found myself alone. I rushed to the front room and saw Lainie hacking the egg into little pieces with an axe. I love that woman. She caught me watching her and motioned me over for a kiss. We wrapped the gooey remains of the egg in newspaper and stuffed it in a garbage bag, then I walked it down to the lake and left it on the shore. A flock of Cops might stop for water and find the litter, but I doubt we'll get a ticket.