Human Meat


I think the worst part about eating human flesh, if you can get past the universally ingrained taboo, is that the parts are so unfamiliar. Human legs aren't the type of legs we normally chow down on. They aren't bulging on one end like a chicken or turkey leg, and they aren't short and stubby like a pig's leg. Although if in a stranded on a desert island scenario there is a guy with a leg like a drumstick you know he's first on the menu, assuming he doesn't break you with powerful kicks.

When the question of cannibalism for survival purposes is posed people answer pretty quick, it's one of those things you just know about yourself. Me for example, I loudly proclaim that I'd eat a guy no problem. I say it so forcefully that if you didn't know me you'd think that I was hoping a situation would come up where I could prove it. Then people start in with the tired old routine of "when it comes right down to it, you couldn't go through with it".

It's the other way around. You guys will be begging for a bite, especially when you see all of the cool ways we can prepare the former person. As I already pointed out, no one wants a human leg or arm as-is, but there are ways to make human meat more palatable, more like what we're used to. Ground Human is a good idea. Human sausage. Pulled human. Human tenders, assuming we've got stuff for breading and a deep fryer.

My willingness to push the culinary envelope on the desert island will end up saving us all. Or not all of us, obviously, but at least some of us. You'd all come to respect me and I would be last up on the rotation for getting an arm or leg chopped off for dinner. I would brought to taste the food before it's served and say No no, this needs to stay on the pit a bit longer it's not succulent enough. I don't know what a roux is but I would probably order someone to make a roux.

I would openly support a democratic decision making process but at the end of the day people would find themselves voting my way. After all, these are scared folks. They want a leader. And I live to serve. Like if we spotted a ship on the horizon some brainiacs on the island would say hey let's stoke up the fire and throw in some brush to make smoke, that will attract the ship and we'll get rescued. But I would deliver the cold hard truth: that ship is likely full of pirates, and after killing the alpha male, they would force the rest of you into slavery.

Which is way worse than what we have here. Sure we eat some people, but we have democracy and freedom of expression. Do you think they'd let you vote on a pirate ship? And then we would take a vote and after my side wins we would have to imprison the guys who wanted to contact the ship, because after all there are limits to freedom of speech and those guys would have destroyed our society and then we wouldn't be able to vote on anything at all, because we'd be slaves.