Vomit Gum


I sometimes come up with an idea that on first blush seems like only an idiot could have thought it up. In fact, most of my ideas are like this. But actually, upon closer inspection only a Genius could have proposed such an idiotic thing, a thing everybody else would have dismissed as a bad joke. And sometimes I do propose idiotic things as a joke. Sometimes I say something as a joke and a fellow innovator will say "Actually that's not a bad idea," and then it turns out I wasn't joking at all and I didn't even know it. Vomit Gum is one such idea.

We've all tasted the surprising relief following a good chunky vomit. One minute you're dog-sick, sweating and foggy-minded with a pounding headache; and then after a quick barf you're magically better: clear in thought, empty in gut, and radiant and energetic like a newborn. There are few experiences as satisfying as the instant transition from agony to triumph afforded by a nice puke. The only lingering effect is the stench of partially digested food (pre-shit) and stomach acid on your breath, and that can be fixed with a couple pieces of gum. Here's the comedy bit: what if instead of chewing mint gum to cover up the vomit smell, people chewed vomit-flavored gum to cover up the clean smell of their mouth.

Hidden inside of that admittedly great bit is an even greater bit; one that could, if a crafty businessman had the guts to partner with me, revolutionize the gum-based mental health supplement marketplace as we know it. I'll explain.

We all know the classic fable of Pavlov's dogs. Pavlov was a man who, every day just before feeding his dogs, he would ring a bell. Except one day he rang the bell, the dogs came running, and then old Pavlov dug into the pantry and discovered he was plumb out of kibble. Pavlov thought he would have to go to the store and pick up some more, but after watching the dogs for a while he saw they were satisfied all the same. The dogs were happy just to hear the bell go off, since in their minds the bell and the food were connected. This is called "conditioning". Pavlov stopped feeding his dogs and eventually was able to buy a nice big house with all the money he saved on dog food.

Vomit Gum uses this same principle. The taste of vomit in your mouth reminds you of the serene and powerful moment after puking, even if no actual puking has taken place. Your mind makes it real, as Morpheus from The Matrix once said. Imagine you're feeling depressed because you got divorced, or lost your job, or you just found out your genitals are the average size and not the above-average size like you'd hoped. Just pop a stick of Vomit Gum in your craw and you'll feel better in seconds. Nervous before a big speech in front of the Mayor? Think you might puke? Why not chew Vomit Gum and skip the tired old toilet routine altogether? All the relief with none of the clean-up.

CBD oil works pretty much the same way.