Waitress


I was in a restaurant the other day and the waitress was really pretty. Maybe one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen. I felt like "I have to do something". So, I imagined that I asked her out on a date. But she said no. Then I thought Welp, that didn't work. So I imagined that I asked her out on a date and she said yes. Then I imagined that we went on a date. I was very careful to pick something that wasn't a restaurant because she works at a restaurant, you know.

So we went on a date to a museum. Kind of dorky, but it could be fun. There's lots to riff on. We could talk about the paintings. If she likes them, great. It's a positive experience to share some positive feelings. Towards paintings. But if she didn't like them we could just make fun of them, and that's where I really shine. So I was kind of hoping the museum wouldn't have anything good in it. But, in my imagination, I wasn't able to imagine a museum that wasn't good. So I imagined a really good museum. And in my imagination we didn't end up having that much to talk about. So the date didn't go so good.

Then I imagined that in the restaurant where I was currently eating while I was imagining this that there was another girl that could read minds and she read my mind and she saw that I was imagining this. And she came over to my table and she said "This is pathetic. You were never going to ask that girl out anyway, and even in your imagination you fuck up the date."

And then I imagined me saying to the girl, "You know what, you're totally right and it's really cool you can read minds. And I think most other guys would be really upset about you reading their mind but actually I think it's really cool the way you called out my bad thoughts. I need someone to police my thoughts."

And she said "You're the first ever guy who's mind I read that had this kind of reaction. I can tell you're very sensitive and mature." And so I imagined we started seeing each other, and I imagined we got into a long-term relationship and it seemed perfect because she would be constantly yelling at me for things I was thinking, and I would get to appease her. I've been in this relationship before so I knew it was a good match.

But then I realized she's going to control my thoughts forever. It's like I'm in prison. And then I realized that the only way out was either to run away, or kill my psychic girlfriend. And I thought that was a horrible thing to think. But as soon as I thought it I knew she'd know I thought it. And that's scary. And then I thought that's maybe a good idea for a horror movie. A guy who's wife can read his thoughts.

So then I imagined that I took my movie idea to Hollywood and they made my movie and it was a big, big hit. Huge hit. Then suddenly I'm somebody. People know my name and when they see me they smile. Then I imagined I came back to the restaurant a year later and I'm Mr. Hollywood. And the waitress sees me, and she doesn't want to look at me because she's shy and I'm very cool and important. Here's the guy everyone loves.

And then I sit down at the seat where I was currently sitting and she comes up and she asks me out on a date. And it goes wonderfully. And then I imagine the rest of my long, fruitful Hollywood career with my beautiful waitress wife by my side. Who's name I do not know. Nor will I ask, because I'm not some weirdo who hits on a waitress.