Like you, I was born into a world of Products. My fondest memories of childhood were of riding with my Father in his big rig. In the back of the truck his cargo was certainly Products. The truck itself was owned by his employer, but before they owned it, it was a Product. Made for sale on the marketplace. We would stop at a diner on the side of the road in some dark place outside of a city before sunrise and piss on the side of the truck. And when we got inside and sat down next to the lifers eating eggs and sausage my dad would order a coffee and I would scan the restaurant. I couldn't read much yet but I recognized some of the Products on the counter. Heinz Ketchup. Morton Iodized Salt. Bisquick.

I've always known a love for Products. Every kid is happy on birthdays and Christmas, but I also looked forward to trips to the grocery store. We were poor so there was never much in our cart, but it was enough to visit Products in their natural home. To see them beautifully on display, competing for our attention in the marketplace of our hearts long before dollars and cents can be factored into play, prized jewels in an enchanted realm of fluorescent lights and linoleum floors.

When I would show my mom a Product I wanted to bring home with us she would have this sad look on her face and I understood that the Product wasn't meant for home. It was meant to stay at the store with the other Products. And I would say Mom, some day, we will live at the store. And all of the Products will be our family. I will take you away from dad and your bullshit house full of garbage and we will be where we belong and we will want no longer. I don't remember if I exactly said all of that but it sounds like something I would say.

Which brings me to the Product I've been asked to present to you today. It's called "Vermont Bag Balm". This is a Product you can truly love. I don't know if it's effective for dry skin, I've never used it. I haven't even seen it in stores. The Product I mean, not dry skin. I've seen dry skin plenty, especially on the people who shop at Ross Dress For Less. But back to our Vermont Bag Balm. When I first saw this Product I laughed. Because Bag makes you think of a testicle Bag, right.

Which probably isn't what's going on here. It's probably a balm named after a guy named Bag. John Bag or something. I do think there should be a balm for testicle bags, however. I haven't heard anyone talk about testicle balm. Certainly there are dry testicle bags out there that need balmed, and I myself don't look forward to being an old man with dry testicles and in my weakest hour finding nothing on the marketplace to sooth me. Perhaps that's why old men turn to religion.

In any case, it would be funny to buy this Product and prominently display it on your mantel and tell your guests that you use it on your balls.